Take a Walk

“Honey it's your son I think I borrowed just too much
We had taxes, we had bills, we had a lifestyle of fun
And tonight I swear I'll come home and we'll make love like we're young
Then tomorrow you'll cook dinner for the neighbours and their kids
We can rip apart those socialists and all their damn taxes
But see I am no criminal
I'm down on both bad knees
I'm just too much a coward to admit when I'm in need

I took a walk

Take a walk, take a walk, take a walk”

Take a Walk – Passion Pit

On first listen to Take a Walk it’s hard to understand exactly what this song is about. I read an interesting article where Michael Angelakos, Passion Pit’s lead singer, was nervous to release this song as a single because he thought it would be interpreted as political statement. Rather, he says, Take A Walk is about three generations of his family at different and rather difficult times of their lives. After I listened to this song a few more times I begun to hear the struggles in the stories of these men. One of the stories stood out to me – it’s the story that I chose for the above excerpt of the song – and, one very specific line caught my attention over and over again:

I'm just too much a coward to admit when I'm in need

Yes, that line. Read it again.

I'm just too much a coward to admit when I'm in need

I'm just too much a coward to admit when I'm in need

This could be one of the most significant lines I have ever heard in a song. I think nearly everyone would be able to admit they have done this. They have acted like nothing is wrong in their lives because they were ashamed or afraid of the backlash they would receive, because our society still connects being in need with being weak.

I’ve done this on so many occasions I have lost count of the number of times I could have used some help. I’ll share with you the most recent time I needed help but didn’t get some. I was in San Francisco and struggling with the death of a new friend. It was a really bizarre situation, being away from home with people I hardly knew and dealing with such an emotional burden. I felt like I had no one to talk to and I wanted to be alone – but that didn’t mean that I was okay. I didn’t want to admit that I was still struggling while I watched my fellow travellers move on and enjoy their trip. I also knew that when I left San Francisco and got back to the comfort of my own home I would be fine. But there were 48 hours or so where I spend a good deal of time in the hotel room alternating crying and sleeping and feeling at a very low point of my life.

When I think back on this time, and other times I never asked for help, I guess I felt like I could handle it myself and I felt like my problem wasn’t really a big deal. But sometimes, no matter how big or small, you need someone else’s help. I wish it weren’t a thing to have to put aside your tough guy persona to ask for help, and I wish it didn’t feel like others were judging your weaknesses for admitting you have a problem. But then I think this idea is just in our own heads – that we feel like people will judge, when in reality they won’t, they will just help. And they won’t let you take the walk alone.

Bliss

“Aaaaaaa Ya Ya Ya Ya, Ya Ya Ya Ya

Drink Yourself More Bliss
Forget about the last one get yourself another
Drink Yourself More Bliss
Forget about the last one get yourself another”

Bliss – Th’ Dudes

For as long as I can remember, alcohol has been a part of my life. I, like most people, grew up with alcohol being served to adults and I would get the occasional sip. As a teenager I dabbled with different drinks at parties, though I was never considered to be a wild child who got drunk at parties every weekend. In fact, my parents still laugh at how little my tolerance can be. A doctor once described me as a binge drinker; it sounded terrible at the time but I guess he was right – I hardly drink during the week, but now and then I will have a big night on the booze.

After my trip to USA, where nearly every night involved drinking, I decided to take a much-needed detox for the last two weeks of June. The detox turned into an unofficial Dry July and my abstinence has continued into August, apart from one very drunken night on my birthday a few weeks ago. I haven’t even participated in a Friday night drink or been tempted by a glass of wine after a long day at work. My drink of choice lately has been the classic orange juice or a soda water with lime. In terms of health I have felt great – my weekends have been much more productive without a half day hangover. And, to be honest, I much prefer the way I act when I’m not on the booze – lately I have felt I am just one drink away from saying or doing something I will very much regret.

Over the past few months it has been interesting monitoring the thoughts of others when I tell them I’m not drinking. Their reactions ranged from “good for you” to “fuck that” to “do you think you can not drink for that long?” and, my personal favourite, “you should drink tonight anyway”. It seems many people could not understand why I needed to abstain from drinking and seemed to think one drink couldn’t hurt. And they are right – one drink really wouldn’t hurt. But it was the attitude that I needed alcohol to have a good time that really got me thinking.  

I very deliberately picked a song that says get another drink for this blog. When I was in Arizona a few months ago someone said to me “where’s your drink?” I said I had finished it and they said, “so get another one, that’s what people usually do in bars”.  Here’s the thing about our society: every function, every work event, every party from a raging to 21^st to a civilised dinner party includes alcohol, because that is what is normal. I am not starting a crusade to change this – because I know I never will - but what I wish would change is the way people react when you say you aren’t having any alcohol. I feel like I am being unnecessarily judged for choosing to abstain, like it’s a really big deal and people think you are either a hero or crazy for sticking to the orange juice. And I felt like I had to explain myself every time someone asked what I was drinking and saying something like “I’m doing Dry July so I just have my bottle of soda water!”

I don’t know how long this abstinence will last – it started out as a health thing, then turned into a personal challenge, and now I rarely feel like an alcoholic drink. I’ll most likely start drinking again at social occasions, but I’ll do it because I want to and because I want the taste of that particular drink, and not because society says should have some booze in my hand. The best bit of the past few alcohol free months is that I really have proved to myself I can have fun without being on the piss.  

We Are Done

“Done with being a silent many
Every voice rings out and carries
No we won’t just go back
Home without you hearing
The sound when the many say
We are done”

We Are Done – The Madden Brothers

I grew up with Good Charlotte as my favourite band. From when I first heard The Young and the Hopeless album when I was about 11 I fell in love. Billy was my favourite; Joel and Benji were alright and I did enjoy their stories, but Billy was the rockstar of my teenage years. I remember when I found out Billy wrote Ghost of You on their third album and it was totally my favourite track of Chronicles of Life and Death. Yes, in the 2000’s you could throw any emo style boy band at me and I would probably like them, but Good Charlotte were my top pick, always.

It’s always a bit of a mind battle when your favourite band goes their separate ways and start releasing solo music. When I heard The Madden Brothers were a thing and a thing without Billy and Paul, their longstanding band mates, I was sceptical. However, I am a fan of We Are Done. I’ve heard a lot of negative feedback about the musical style of the song and I know this isn’t the best work The Madden Brothers have done, and probably not the best work they will do.

No, it is the theme of the song that draws me in and in the best way possible reminds me of why I loved Good Charlotte. Nestled amongst the music from girls singing about their heartbreak and the boys singing about their favourite boo was this band I loved for challenging society in a way I could relate to. The music Good Charlotte made was never threatening but thought provoking, and was more than giving a giant middle finger to the world. Throughout their five albums their lyrics raised questions about the society we lived in – hierarchy, family issues, living outside of the spotlight and above all, making you think about what you believed in.

I know that Good Charlotte’s music was never known for pushing musical boundaries and people would think it strange when I say they were my favourite band. But they were the band that helped me gain my voice. They never told me what to do when a man broke my heart, they told me stand out from the crowd and be myself throughout my life. It’s a lesson that I thought would end in my teens, but has actually become more prominent as I grow into an adult. I get that it was time for Good Charlotte to move on and pursue new projects, but I am so glad The Madden Brothers still hold their priorities straight.

Make you Mine vs Tommy and Krista

“Cause there's a thousand ways
and a thousand times
That I could try to say
I will make you mine
And if it's not today
I'm gonna keep on trying
I'm gonna get there I'm gonna get there
I'm gonna make you mine”

Make You Mine – Benny Tipene

VS

 “Well Tommy never turned to aggression nor fear
Instead he started working in the New Year
But at night she'd invade his thoughts and his dreams
He can't keep his mind away from Krista it seems
And, so cold but funny enough
Krista and her boyfriend were broken up
But until they meet again and the time feels right
This is how it ends tonight
This is how it ends tonight”

Tommy and Krista – ThirstyMerc

I’ve had two very conflicting thoughts about a certain topic for a little while now. In an attempt to sort out my thoughts for the first time on this blog I’m going to put two songs head to head: two songs that describe but handle differently what is going through my head. If you’re one of my wonderful regular readers you may remember back to Don’t Say Goodnight which was about having one chance you have to take. But I’ve been thinking lately what if you don’t just get one chance with someone? What if you can’t be together but you think you should? I’ve come to realize you have two choices: you can either follow the words of Benny Tipene or ThirstyMerc.

Let’s start with Make You Mine. It seems most tempting to pursue someone. Although we go through our normal day to day lives I suspect most of us fantasize about a better, more exciting life. Most of the time that little fantasy includes a special someone, perhaps someone you only had a chance to get to know a little bit but made a lasting impression on you. And we only get one life so why not do everything you can to make someone your own? You could chase them down to tell the how you feel, you could drop every thing you have and do something completely irrational like follow them to the other end of your country or to the other side of the world. You could do all this just to be together, just to tell them they mean everything to you and start to live out your fantasies.

But what if it’s not your time to be together, like the story in Tommy and Krista. Most of my experience with this kind of thing is where the other person has moved away. I think that if someone travels to the other side of the world then they need to go, and they need to go alone. They are on a personal journey and it’s not my time to be in their lives. Instead maybe it’s better to leave things where you ended and go on with your own life and hope that one day your time works out and you get to be together. There’s a line in Tommy and Krista which has stood out to me from the first time I heard the song “until they meet again and the time feels right / this is how it ends tonight”. I think if something is meant to be then your life finds a way of bringing it to you, and I’ve talked to many people who agree that life has a way of working itself out.

I’ve always followed the idea in Tommy and Krista and let someone go because I don’t think it’s my right to stop them. But in some ways I’ve sacrificed my happiness to be selfless, and I’m kind of sick of it. Maybe it’s my time to start chasing and stop letting people go. I’m going throw this one out to you in the first ever blog war. Pick a song to side with. Share an opinion. Tell you stories about whether you decided to chase or decided to wait. And help me figure out what to do.

Sugarpills

“So long all the sugarpills and alcohol
These scars are the stumbling eyes and cold reminders

So long all the sugarpills and alcohol
These scars are the stumbling eyes and cold reminders

I will become undone and then I'll write about it
You'll be the one to lose control

I will become undone and then I'll write about it
You'll be the one to lose control”

Sugarpills – Kids of 88

Did you know I did a Contiki around USA last month? Okay, I realise I’ve spent a lot of time talking about it and sharing many photos, and you’ve probably got FOMO and want me to stop mentioning my trip. But the trip has been the source of a lot of blogging inspiration and I want to share another memory with you. If you read On Top of the World you’ll recall I wrote about becoming quite emotional after singing with my Contiki group as a tribute to Clarissa. I remember going outside and crying and not being able to explain why I was so upset. It wasn’t until a week after this night I got the chance to write and post that blog and I felt incredibly relieved at getting those thoughts down after having them nag me for seven days.

I’ve always been a writer and a storyteller. My computer folders are littered with half finished writing projects and over a hundred of these music blogs. I’ve explained before why I started this blog – a mixture of wanting to focus writing and of having ideas about songs – and as I wrote about in Demons this blog became very important to me. I have a note on my phone that I wrote shortly after having my breakdown at Bass Lake. I remember typing it furiously and getting all that emotion out while a new friend sat opposite me and probably wondered what the heck I was up to. But after I had written what became the basis for my second USA blog I was able to go back to the dance floor and have a great night. I chose Sugarpills this week because I think it sums up these blogs rather well: when life becomes undone I write about it.

I want to focus on the line “you’ll be the one to lose control” for a moment. I draw most of my inspiration from my peers and sometimes they don’t know their experiences with me have influenced my writing. I was questioned just last week by a friend about what I wrote about them and I realised certain people may not like being at the receiving end of my comments. Some of the people I write about will disagree with what I write, or potentially worse, not know my true feelings until I put up a new post. But I write this blog primarily for my own personal reflection and I’m prepared to risk my peers losing control if it means I feel better.  

Shortly after I came back from my trip one of the guys I had met messaged me and asked about my blog and mentioned he’d lost interest in writing his blog because not enough people read it. I told him I never cared about number of viewers or whether people liked it, I was just wanted to write. This blog is a place I can be brutally honest with myself and share thoughts I may not usually say out loud. As I’ve said before, I’m going to write this blog until I run out of ideas or run out of songs. And if you think about it, there are millions of songs and I’m telling you know that I’ve got millions of ideas.